New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
