When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
