I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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