Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
