I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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