I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
