I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
