Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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