My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the condom got lost in my hair
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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