I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
