So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
