I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
