About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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