TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
