and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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