fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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