I got chris browned last night
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
