i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
