i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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