Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
