Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i will never coherently bang her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
