I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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