The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
