Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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