the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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