She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
