I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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