i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
