Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
