Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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