I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
