Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
