Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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