finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
