Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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