Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
