I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
