how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
