I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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