Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
