i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
