I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
