Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
