I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
