Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
