There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
