Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
