I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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