Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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