I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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