i already hear my dad disowning me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
