the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
