just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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