I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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