i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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