i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
