So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's official drugs can't kill me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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