I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
