just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
