I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
